The Other Cheek

Extract from Rutger Bregman's Humankind: A Hopeful History

“Not long ago, Julio Diaz, a young social worker, was taking the subway from work to his home in the Bronx in New York. As he did almost every day, he got off one stop early to grab a bite at his favourite diner.

But tonight wasn't like other nights. As he made his way to the restaurant from the deserted subway station, a figure jumped out from the shadows. A teenager, holding a knife. 'I just gave him my wallet,' Julio later told a journalist. Theft accomplished, the kid was about to run off when Julio did something unexpected.

'Hey, wait a minute,' he called after his mugger. 'If you're going to be robbing people for the rest of the night, you might as well take my coat to keep you warm.'

The boy turned back to Julio in disbelief. 'Why are you doing this?'

'If you're willing to risk your freedom for a few dollars,' Julio replied, 'then I guess you must really need the money. I mean, all I wanted to do was get dinner and if you really want to join me...hey, you're more than welcome.'

The kid agreed, and moments later Julio and his assailant were seated at a booth in the diner. The waiters greeted them warmly. The manager stopped by for a chat. Even the dishwashers said hello.

'You know everybody here,' the kid said, surprised. 'Do you own this place?'

'No,' said Julio. 'I just eat here a lot.'

'But you're even nice to the dishwasher.'

'Well, haven't you been taught you should be nice to everybody?'

'Yeah,' the kid said, 'but I didn't think people actually behaved that way.'

When Julio and his mugger had finished eating, the bill arrived. But Julio no longer had his wallet. 'Look,' he told the kid. 'I guess you're going to have to pay for this bill because you have my money and I can't pay for this. So if you give me my wallet back, I'll gladly treat you.'

The kid gave him back his wallet. Julio paid the bill and then gave him $20. On one condition, he said: the teenager had to hand over his knife.

When the journalist later asked Julio why he'd treated his would-be robber to dinner, he didn't hesitate: 'I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world.'

When I told a friend about Julio's act of kindness, he didn't miss a beat. 'Please excuse me while I barf.'

Okay, so this story is a little saccharine. It reminded me of the cliched lessons I heard at church as a kid. Like the Sermon on the Mount, in Matthew 5:

'You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.'

Sure, you think. Swell plan, Jesus – if we were all saints. Problem is: we're all too human. And in the real world, turning the other cheek is about the most naive thing you can do, right?

Only recently did I realise Jesus was advocating a quite rational principle. Modern psychiatrists call it non-complimentary behaviour. Most of the time, as I mentioned earlier, we humans mirror each other. Someone gives you a compliment, you're quick to return the favour. Somebody says something unpleasant, and you feel the urge to make a snide comeback. In earlier chapters we saw how powerful these positive and negative feedback loops can become in schools and companies and democracies.

When you're treated with kindness, it's easy to do the right thing. Easy, but not enough. To quote Jesus again, 'if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others?'

The question is, can we take things a step further? What if we assume the best not only about our children, our co-workers, and our neighbours, but also about our enemies? That's considerably more difficult and can go against our gut instincts. Look at Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr, perhaps the two greatest heroes of the twentieth century. They were pros at non-complimentary behaviour, but then again they were extra-ordinary individuals.

What about the rest of us? Are you and I capable of turning the other cheek? And can we make it work on a large scale – say, in prisons and police stations, after terrorist attacks or in times of war?”
~Rutger Bregman, 'Humankind: A Hopeful History'