Fighting a Losing Battle - And Loving It!

I had to remind someone close to me that the things I struggle with in life are likely to get worse, not better.

They said they just want me to be happy. I said "I am happy". I reminded her that I live the way I live because I find it meaningful. I do the things that I do because they are what helped me heal, and continue to help me heal. Unfortunately those same things - standing up for myself and my principles - tend to create conflict wherever I go. And the better I get at them - the more I heal - the more conflict there is likely to be.

That's why I don't move. The things that create the most stress for me aren't at home, as crazy as that sounds. They come from the conflict that comes when I am being myself. And not allowing myself to be myself is what made me sick in the first place.

The things I found healing were actually allowing myself to acknowledge the barriers I have faced in life, and doing something about them. Not only are those barriers real, I have found a body of literature to support that they are real. But pointing those things out gets up peoples noses. Rich, poor, whoever. They don't like it. And many people who don't like it are prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to undermine me.

But that's ok. So long as I am doing what I love, it's all worth it, and I can bare it.

I could take medication, and I wouldn't be so uncomfortable all the time, but to be honest I'd rather be dead. I think it would remove all my motivations to do the things that I love. I'd just plonk myself in a sofa and be a Netflix boy. It's the fact that I am uncomfortable that drives me. If I weren't, I know myself, I would fall into a lethargy and probably eventually to drugs or maybe even suicide.
I don't want that. I don't want to die. Medication for me would be a death sentence. As is therapy that tell me to "change the way i react if I can't change the circumstances". Those circumstances are things in society that often go unquestioned and unchallenged. I WILL question them. I WILL do my best to change them.

I could get back into partying. I could return to doing what I do best: making people feel better about themselves while depreciating myself. That's what led me to know so many people in the first place.But I can't go back to that. I'd rather be dead.

I'd rather that my beliefs didn't rattle people so much. I don't seek out conflict, it comes to me from following my passion. And if that's the way it's got to be, that's the way it's got to be.

I love what I do, and I love my life.

But this does leave me vulnerable to many variables in my life that I can't control. I can't control when people decide to fuck with me, and sometimes it happens a lot and in quick succession. When that happens I will fall behind, and it will be distressing. But I've said it before, although I carry on a lot when I'm going through that - because it probably means I need help - but when push comes to shove, my tantrums are limited to maybe occasionally smashing something I own. It never gets worse than that, so it's never the end of the world. I do bounce back.

So if you need to detach from that, I encourage you all to give yourself permission to detach.

These are my choices and it is ultimately my responsibility.

YouTube Link:
Sheridan - Every Time I Say No

There is a war going on. A war for your mind. And I'm fighting it on my own with very limited resources. And the people who are confronted by the things I have to say have plenty of resources and backup that I don't have. That means I will always be fighting it at a disadvantage.

But it's also what I love. I feel this fight needs to be fought and I feel like I'm doing important work.

"Devil With Blank Dice" inspired by B. Dolan's The Devil and Jack McCarthy
Find it on Bandcamp here:
https://bdolan.bandcamp.com/track/the-devil-jack-mccarthy